Today I was listening to German radio station and just enjoying the representation of different lanugages like Spanish and Portuguese in the song selection. This felt like a nice recovery from the social tension in my four month training course this summer. I've previously written about the diversity of friends I've had throughout my life, and how normal diversity is. In the spring I wrote a blog post about my mental health journey with increased social interaction to bring healining from my isolation sickness after the pandemic, so this is a followup to process the four months.
I took a four month course with a very international group. Some had the course fees paid by job positions they were starting afterward. I paid myself and have no job lined up. (Though last fall I took a certificate course that was paid for me). This was a course that required in person classwork every day, although the people whose fees were paid had different requisitions. Some were required to pass, while others had only mandatory attendance. On the whole, most were still motivated to do well, except for one who was only required to attend.
In addition to ethnic diversity, I've thrived in international environments. I have had roommates who were only for Asian countries for several years. I've been working in international business for over ten years and had colleagues from every continent. To say I can navigate multi-ethnic social dynamics is an understatement. So, sometimes the culture isn't what prevents you from connecting with people but the personality. I learned this easily in my own cultures, that just because you share a culture with someone doesn't mean you like them or see eye to eye or anywhere near similar perspective or world view. In particularly, I've drawn away from and avoid judgemental, narrow minded, negative/ toxic religious people.
Our group started with 16 people none of whom originated from the same country, with mostly participants under 30. There were two people from Africa over 30, who I became friends with: a woman from Kenya, and a man from Libya. I started the first day with a sweet, friendly young kid from Ukraine, who I definitely had sympathy for. However, I struggled to navigate my priority to focus on the class with issues of other people in the class and the dynamic that created for my learning process. He was frequently distracted and not paying attention to group exercises. So I made a big change and sat on the other side next to the Libyan man, who saw himself as a big brother/ protector to the three Muslim women in the class. They were QUIET, but I easily liked the woman from Iran, and had interesting conversations about her impressions of the political situation there.
The woman from Algeria quickly put herself on my radar as having a lot of drama. Though I tried to have the same sympathy toward her as the others, I could not as a result of her judgemental, narrowminded, and negative attitude. She loudly talked judgementally about third parties I did not know, and complained about everything. She was WEALTHY as well. She showed up every day with not one but two YSL black bags. The small purse alone would average 1000 retail. I won't get into details about things that came up in conversation, but it became apparent she was incredibly entitled and had lived a very sheltered life where she was not exposed to anyone or anything different than her lifestyle. Her negativity and "woe is me" attitude had concrete impact in the class because she wasn't eating food since German food "tastes terrible." As a result she passed out in the middle of class and disrupted half a day of class while people tended to her. I spoke about it with the instructor and tried to keep my distance. Compared even to others form similar cultures, she was the only one who had literally never left hom before. Not to study or for a job, and it showed! She lacked any social skills how to get along with others. In the secound half of the class, there was some changeover with five Russian speakers and five muslims (four spoke Arabic, plus the Iranian woman).
I went back to the other side of the room to get away from her, while the Russsian speakers grouped up near each other. For two months I didn't speak to her at all, and I avoided all social groups where I would have any contact with her. I have written that I've also had a lot of medical tests in the past few months, so my goals were to focus on the class, be positive, stay away from negative people like her, and manage all of the medical treatments. I was TIRED and couldn't keep up with the coursework. On the quizzes in the second half, I scored 70-75%, and considered that the best possible for the exam would be 80%. Passing was 60%, so I knew I would pass, but the score goes on the certificate, in case I have to send the certificate for a job application, I thought I would be more sompetitive with a >90% score if someone else applied for the same job with a higher score.... I talked about how hard the course was for me with my father a LOT, and just hoped to score in the 80% range.
In the last two weeks of the course, there were three social interactions, and without fail, the bitchy woman showed up an managed to create drama. One day we had a group outing to the mountains for a change of scenery, and I took OG pup. The Muslim women were terrified of the dog, though she is the most gentle soul in the world. I have full confidence in my dog's behavior never to cause problems for anyone, but I still made sure to keep her at a distance from them. However, at one moment, when we arrived behind the group, yep, sure enough, the Bish had to complain how much she hated dogs.
Though in this circumstance, one could think it could be a matter of preference between myself and her, there is also the cultural context that dogs are EVERYWHERE in Germany. On the train, me having a dog was as normal as the woman with a baby. They are a ubiquitous presence in Germany, allowed in shopping centers and restaurants. Therefore, it's really not up to subjectivity whether her dislike of dogs should have any weight in the matter, while the dog was doing nothing active to bother her, and I was not following her around with the dog next to her. In addition, the instructor ASKED the entire class if me bringing the dog was ok, and EVERYONE said yes.
The exam was two days, and there are about 8 of us who have been together for four months. Three participants dropped out in the last two weeks and didn't complete the exam. After the written portion, we went to lunch to celebrate, and the bish complained about everything for two hours straight. There wasn't even a dog there for her to have an excuse. I worked damn hard for four months, and thought I really deserve to celebrate this accomplishment, and how hard is it to sit outside at a cafe and chill and just enjoy the group of people I will probably never see again? Apparently it's impossibly hard for this woman! It was impossible to start a conversation with anyone about any other topic while she was there. The only time we could have a normal conversation about things like Instagram and Football was when she decided she needed to go buy a pizza for herself, and she wasn't at the table throwing a tantrum about something.
For those of you who don't know, I am not a fan of grown adults who throw tantrums. Most of the time, the guilty parties are grown men. I seem to notice a distinct trend that grown men throw tantrums about things, and I don't particularly have any patience or sympathy for them. This is one of the rare times I see a grown woman who has no self control and throws tantrums constantly. It was baffling to me. When I tried to request help how to let this woman know that I had a boundary and did not wish to hear any more drama from her, period, the Libyan man refused to help me! He was definitely a passive conflict avoider/ people pleaser.
Therefore, after that lunch, we had planned a final celebration dinner after the oral exam, and I said something to people. That it was unacceptable to me for this woman to make these occassions about needing to center around whatever drama she needed to create. The dinner was after my writing group, and my dog goes with me to this every week. I called the restaurant and they had no problems with dogs, so I knew the dog would come with me to the dinner, and it would be inevitable for the woman to create drama about it at some point.
Well it happened. It wasn't even about her either. Korean women from our first half of the class arrived, and one was afraid of the dog. Someone just switched places with her, and there was no drama about the solution. Except the bitch needed to create drama about a situation that didn't even involve her. Because apparently that's what she does - she looks around the situation not to enjoy or notice what is positive in the moment, but to find something that she needs to say something negative about! And in that moment, I looked at her point blank and said "this is not your problem, and I have had enough of you." Four months of tolerating her toxicity and finding coping mechanisms to stay even keel throughout the class, I no longer had to avoid telling her how completely inappropriate her behaviour was.
In that moment, I had indulged in a lot of wine libations because I deserved it, and I was enjoying relaxing with one of the instructors and some of the other people in the class. Overall, my experience with all of the other international members of the class was exactly in accordance with all of my previous experiences and involved social awareness and people who were open minded and curious in everyone else. Except for this one woman who needed the world to revolve around whatever drama du jour she had going on, I guess. I watched her with others, and she had zero cognisance how to sit down and get to know someone as a person, find out or ask about their interests etc. To summarise: There was something OFF about her, if I hadn't been subjected to months of her roller coaster and directly impacted as a target. I do hope while she goes to start her new position, she gets a good therapist!
Perhaps it takes awareness of these multi-cultural environments to be able to see the difference when something is someone's culture, and when it is something else, that people from all cultures can have bad personalities. Every country has them - as they say - there are assholes everywhere. I have worked closely previously with a male colleague from Algeria, who was a riot. Him, me, and a German colleague would speak in French, and they told me I had a Scottish accent in French... In short, we had a lot of fun, and I'm still in touch with him. This woman was... something else entirely, and the negative thing is that it colors even my attempt to have one last positive memory of the group and the experience.
It will certainly not help her survive in Germany. Germany is not a forgiving place. No one coddles you when things don't go your way, and you feel this "woe is me" self-pity parade she has going on. Germans themselves usually fall into two categories: super helpful and will give you the shirt off their back, and want you to enjoy their country, or complete assholes who will be mean and abusive. I certainly collect the former in my life, and not the latter. However, the former are also positive and up beat for the most part, and that's the energy I enjoy about them. The last thing I do is talk about how I hate the world, because I want to enjoy the positive energy in my life. When I talk about issues or problems I face, usually we can turn to solution oriented topics rather than dwell on how bad my life is, even if it's clear I'm going through a lot. Therefore, this woman is setting herself up for failure by seeking out the negative in everything she does, everone she meets, or everything she does. Who knows if she will learn the difference. She has now met someone who has made it clear that I wouldn't tolerate it, at least.
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