Dear Dairy.....
I met him years ago. I thought maybe he was into me. I went to the office to mind my own business, and he was bouncing over to get to know me and chat me up. I had a crush quickly. I reciprocated by asking him questions about himself. He got a new tattoo, and revealed he liked to express himself creativity through composing music. However, it eventually came out one weekend there was some joint celebration with another couple and him and his girlfriend. The pandemic came and went. I settled into seeing his smiling face and friendly, helpful, and interesting banter. Then I had a problem with my electricity bill, and I was there to glean support and navigating how to navigate complaints, consumer protection, and the like. We talked about energy consumption. I said my annual usage was very consistent, living alone. He told me his energy consumption, which was somewhat higher due to all of his electronic sound equipment, living alone.
I did a double take. Pretty confused there. So I decided to clarify and asked point blank "I thought you had a partner." He just responded "no" without any explanation.
That took a few days to sink in. He was single. I continued my friendly banter with him, sometimes sending warm, friendly texts. The "care" emoji surrounded by hearts. He seemed to be responsive on a more personal level, but I had made this mistake before. I told him I wished he was in town on the weekend, since he always goes back to his place in Berlin. I expressed that I wished we could get together for a beer if he was in town some weekend. The next time he saw me, he swore he was going to be in town that weekend.
Then I met a new friend at the office. He was a tall guy, and somewhat younger. That's when the strange, confusing mood changes happened. The woman at the office would come talk to me about the long time friend and how great he was. Here's the kicker. The tall guy friend is married with kids. Imagine my confusion why there was any kind of mood shift due to me talking to a married guy? The following month was like that. Completely confusing for me, completely mixed signals. Wanting to pick up our increasingly personal banter, to find him running away from me. That weekend he was supposed to be in town, suddenly he wasn't. ???????
Then came the office Christmas party. I had been in bed most of the week trying to sleep off a bad cold, but I pulled myself out of bed to go to the Christmas party. I arrived in the office early when he was setting up. And RUNNING AWAY FROM ME. ?!?!?!?!??!
Finally I went to the party and mingled. Eventually the tall married guy came, and was making his rounds, not completely free to catch up and talk. At some point when he felt fully socialised, he and I went over to a food counter where my long term crush was. I decided to confront it. I said "watch, now he's going to run away from me." Then the tall married guy and I and the crush bantered. I did not stay that long. Despite the open end to the party, I decided to cut out to get to the store before it closed at 10. I went over to the crush behind the food counter to say goodbye, and finally something happened. We were blocked from view of the part by a large cooler. We hugged. And LINGERED. We parted, and then pulled each other back into a hug. I was feeling the moment, but I didn't know if it was the wine I'd been drinking. I kissed his cheek, and ran my finger tips down the indent in his lower back. However, I still felt confused. Here we were sharing a MOMENT, and I would have gone in for a kiss if he had not been running away from me all night. I spent that weekend thrown into confusion. That month where things had changed from the direction I thought they were headed I had met someone intriguing who was in my head. Following that confusion, I sorted things out with intriguing person. During the holidays I went in an entirely new direction. However, since I was giving out this gift anthology for presents, I thought what if I printed out a copy for the crush as a Christmas present? Then I was battling medications causing drowsiness and crazy sleep cycles all month. In fact, I wasn't even sure I was thinking about this crush. When I went back to the office, I went on a Monday when he wouldn't be there, because what kind of awkwardness should I expect. However I did print out the book. Here's the catch. The printer didn't have toner, and the office staff had gone at 5pm, so when I printed out the book, it got stuck in the print queue. Requiring the crush to come the next day to rescue it... Which he did and texted me Tuesday that it was printed. I called him a hero and the crush started to return, and desire to see him and give him this gift. I wanted to run over quickly, but other factors interfered.
Wednesday I finally saw him again, and I wasn't inebriated. We hugged again. He looked good. I did a New Years' dance chanting "24," until he asked what 24 was, and I said the year, which led to my hand being in his, and him holding my hand while recognising the year ahead and looking at me. What I have needed for ages, despite all of his insecurities, him showing up in the moment. It reminded me of the moment in September with my long distance beauty with the poor timing for anything to work between us. I did not fully appreciate that moment in the moment, realising she was taking my hands and asking me to close my eyes.
This raises the point I realise frequently that the time in life as a teenager when people expect to gain this health innocent experiences in the romance department, I was lacking. I was thrown into dating as an attractive adult trying to beat men off with a stick, not necessarily having an innocent space to determine my own feelings and know them. However, I thought, hmmm, this hand holding thing seems to be this repetitive pattern or behaviour that is meaningful. You can read my Romance in the Rain blog post here: https://sylviawoodham.wixsite.com/home/post/romance-in-the-rain-in-germany I also remember moving here 8 years ago and having this crush on a man in a shared flat where I airbnb'd a room for a week. And the romantic walks with his dogs, and him buying me a local cake, and missing or not reading things correctly. Also feeling uncomfortable or pressured when he lit candles in his room, and asked if he could come sleep with me the next night. Non sequitur, without kissing me on our moonlit walk. This situation with the long term crush was starting to find some footing in the familiar for me.
It's been awkward for me to consider this situation in an office coworking space, and I've kind of communicated that to him. I have wanted to have time with him privately to myself. The shared moment at the Christmas party where we almost kissed was the first time I felt we were able to have a more private moment. Today I felt like maybe this could be moving in the boyfriend direction, as I tickled him walking past, causing him to wink at me.
I spent hours assembling the printed book and presenting it to him. It was a sweet moment, that led to talking about the hotel where he stays during the week when he is in town. Despite whatever questions I've had, I returned the favor by showing up. Until I started leaving, with the tall guy. Then the crush/ potential boyfriend tensed up. Seriously? Again? I do not understand why the boyfriend potential still does not know this guy is married and only sees tall, younger man? At that point, however, I had already packed up, and walking out with tall guy who was going out to smoke (also a turnoff for me) Since potential boyfriend was busy and with people during the day, I texted him to say we can get together to discuss the book. As I left, with him tense and all watching tall guy and myself get in the elevator, he said he got the text and will let me know. So, yes, I am giving him the green light, again, to invite me to get together. How many green lights does it take? I sent some texts to boyfriend potential telling him he's sweet. That I hoped he wasn't too lonely at the hotel... (very intentional suggestion here). I finally also said "hey do you know the name of these people like (mentioned another young woman who's perky and sassy I like) and this tall guy? Once my mother said you have to hit a guy over the head with a sometimes...
I am afraid, sometimes, of being to in the moment, and saying how I'm feeling, when sometimes it isn't always what I really want when I back away. Today as I sat assembling the book, and thinking about the hands, I was happy. The emotional connection was all there in that moment for me, and I thought, yes, this happiness is what I want, and not just trying to please or make him happy. That felt new and different and something I'd been missing from the normal and innocent experiences of youth. (Innocent experiences of youth and regret is also a theme of my new gothic romance, and that blog post: https://sylviawoodham.wixsite.com/home/post/gothic-literature-what-is-it-really.)
My soundtrack tonight as I think about how that felt and float is Gerry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFRlLcpGDBQ&list=PLdN9YxptB1klDWaeIdERXbyXJCFnYh5Ze&index=9
Update, the next day: As much as I was floating on cloud 9 yesterday, today as they say, it all comes crashing. The only pattern I learn is that I can't be happy without being punished for happiness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GesZGGvlNc He flip flopped his mood again today. Instead of maintaining the momentum that has me feeling connected and affectionate and thinking of hanging out with him in his hotel room and snuggling, he whiffs on that opening. There were so many directions and openings for him to take. He said "I went to the hotel and went to sleep because I'm old." So he promised to read the book in the hotel and then reneged. Just like he said he would be in town on the weekend, and then suddenly flipped and wasn't. He answered with the names of the people - the whole point was to say I didn't even know the tall guy's name. Actually I had a lucid dream last night about wanting to be in bed with him, snuggling or getting close, or talking more. And in the dream, I was reluctant, but a main theme was fear of rejection. I assessed the dream when I woke up and knew that was reflecting my feeling in the situation. So I went for broke. I know these mixed signals are exactly why I have avoided going to the office to see him. I told him he knows so much, and he must also know that the tall guy is married, and I do not understand why his mood changes every time the tall guy is around. Every time. And starts talking about being old. WTF? I said I thought we had a special connection and always want more time to have him for myself. I also did tell him that I had a dream about him in bed last night. But I need more. Giving me major green lights and then flip flopping and reneging, more than once, doesn't cut it! I won't be running to the office to see him without a LOT more. Update Two days later: I composed an invitation to discuss what's going on:
I've really enjoyed our time together, and I value our connection. Lately, I've noticed some mixed signals, and it's been a bit confusing for me. I want to make sure we're on the same page and understand each other well. For example, there were moments where we seemed to be getting closer, but then there were instances where the mood shifted. I'd love to have an open and private conversation about this, where we can feel comfortable sharing our thoughts and feelings. Can we find a time and place that suits both of us to explore how we can navigate our connection? Dismissive, protective response. Is this what men are trained to do?
Dear xxxx, thx for your messages and sharing your honest thoughts. I enjoy talking to you as we know each other from the office for quite some time now. And I‘m always very familiar with all the people and members which I know for a longer periods. I‘m very sorry to hear that you interpreted these signals the wrong way . 😒That wasn’t what I have intended. Here is my response: I've read your message, and I want to be honest about how it made me feel. Our interactions have meant a lot to me, and I've valued the positive moments we've shared. However, your suggestion that I've misinterpreted things feels dismissive of the genuine connection we've had. It's important to me that we communicate openly and honestly, acknowledging the shared experiences we've had. I do not feel you are doing this now, and that is disappointing to me.
Your message looks like you are trying to protect yourself professionally or personally, and I believe I deserve better than this." Your message brings to mind a past experience when decisions were made without an honest discussion, and it wasn't a positive outcome. I believe that open communication is crucial in any connection, and decisions that affect both parties should be made collaboratively. I value honesty and transparency, and it's important to me that we can have open conversations about our interactions. If we're to continue our interactions, I need assurance that we can have transparent conversations about our thoughts and feelings. I value authenticity, and I'm not interested in a friendship or any form of communication that lacks honesty. If we can establish this understanding, I'm open to discussing our interactions further. Now we have touched on a pet peeve of mine. Men telling me how to interpret things or to offer ANY assumption about my "agenda." What if we approached this situation from the point of view that I am not interpreting a damn thing? All I have done to date is void of any speculation or interpretation - why was the woman in the office talking to me promoting his benefits the first time I talked to the tall guy? Why was there so much snuggling and affection between us? I have never asked any of these questions or interpreted a single damn reason.
All men do with this tactic is gaslight a woman into being convinced she didn't observe what she observed in a massive dismissal of the whole thing. This is not something I tolerate. If the dude has mixed signals, first that doesn't exclude the GREEN LIGHTS involved in the signals being mixed. Second, I have done absolutely zero interpreting of what the mixed signals mean or don't mean by observing their existence. Convos with Friends:
What Romantic interactions are complete without convos with friends?
Had beers Friday with friends who are together since university. Her "stock" recommencation was to go for the guy who pursues you. You can read about all of the reasons having a lifetime of stalkers makes one averse to that idea here: https://sylviawoodham.wixsite.com/home/post/stalkers
They suggested I should ask his friends. They even mentioned sending a middle school style handwritten note: Do you like me. Yes or No. Here are the several reasons these don't work for me: I am not in middle school. When I was in middle school I never did these things, and I do not know why I would start doing something from middle school that I never did in middle school. Shouldn't we be outgrowing things from middle school as adults?
In university, there was a guy who couldn't tell me he liked me for two years. I was the one who was forward. Before I knew that everyone had a crush on him, like there was a club or something of people who had a crush on him, I had an upperclassman set us up in a freshman blind date dance. During the dance, I was looking for signals that he was into me, and I didn't get any signs, so for me it was mixed. The upperclassman asked me if I had a good time saying that he really had fun, so I gave a so so response. The next day he came over to work on a chemistry lab writeup, and suddenly he's "emotionally unavailable because girlfriend at home." I wanted to crawl in a hole in embarrassment.
But a year later, he's created a reason to spend lots of time together to start a club. He still cannot tell me he's into me, and has another friend ask instead. My answer.. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. he does this was based on feeling blasé since he never said he was into me. The friend botched it. This was a same friend who said I was "closed" "hard to get to know" "hard to read" later. At this point I have trust issues, and it's not just with the guys, it's with the "friends" who apparently seem to sabotage my changes (out of jealousy?)
For these reasons, I never trust any signals or questions from so called as friends. As adults, I expect direct communication between the two Romantic Interest individuals. Not to mention the number of times a "wing man" of a guy I am into has tried to cock-block the guy of interest. I don't do wing men or "mutual friend inquiries," because I don't trust hidden agendas.
However, one thing my friend and I can agree on now is I am glad I stopped to test the communication and honesty level before going any further in this situation. I told her this is why I get so many boomerangs. Guys aren't ready when I'm in front of them and come to a realization at some point later and come back out of the woodwork. I had another friend who was more into a guy than he was into her. She asked me "how do I get him to be interested in me that way?" All I could do was shrug and say "the only advice I can give you is to walk away, because I have an almost 100% success rate by doing that." She decided I wasn't a good friend anymore. I could only give her what I had based on my extensive experience. The next question I have though is a question for myself why I am attracting the guys who aren't ready instead of the guys who are. (or people in general, man or woman)