The problem with conflict is that its emotionally charged, or can be, and people can not know what is happening and/ or become numb and exhausted. Indeed conflict can be exhausting. As a result, I was encouraged to write about my journey through recent conflict and interest in moving forward from it.
I had a very close friend for six months, who was a bit crazy, encouraging, clearly having some things to work through. I was patient and supportive, and it was not just the two of us who were very close. There were at least four of us who shared time together, celebrating life milestones. When a friendship like that comes to a sudden, abrupt, and painful end, it's disconcerting. Particularly when that friend becomes a different person toward you and becomes increasingly hostile. Self-care is important and becomes a priority during a time like this, to create boundaries to protect yourself from more volatility.
In this case it also involved a writing collection project we had been working on during those six months. Then you see the collaborative effort you were working on come under strain, making it difficult to continue in a constructive way. You see the relationships that you have built over six months with certain promises, expectations, and values caught in the middle. The only thing you can do is step back and create space to focus on a new direction.
At least that was what I decided to do, but it was not as easy as that. The differences in editorial guidelines started a small disagreement, but differences in approach led to challenges that made the situation more complex. One that the friend made an apology for, but it was the wrong time, the worst week of the whole year. The US elections were happening, which had been a fiasco, and I just needed to get through the anxiety of the week. When he apologized I had some security in our friendship and working through these issues. However, there was a major boundary I needed to be respected about never creating false events about me. This is behavior I have learned to recognize and avoid.
I acknowledge in conflict I can be removed and cold. As an aquarious, I can be seen as aloof, and this might not acknowledge the care another person needs to see. I even made an effort to thank him for valuing the friendship and acknowledge this about myself. The bottom line was asking to wait to work out the awkward place we were in until after world events had passed. In the middle of the night I was awaken by unexpected changes to our project communications he was making about our shared project together, depriving me of sleep.
After the week passed, I was able to rest, recover, clear my head. Then I decided on a way forward. I shared the events and disagreement causes with the writers who had entrusted their work to us, stating that I would be taking a different direction. However, there was no "agreement" between us. After I sent this corrected notice, the conflict escalated further. I’ve faced challenges in collaboration that taught me the importance of strong boundaries and a shared vision.
After regrouping, I thought what would I do differently? Well, I would correct all of the things he established I did not agree with. I would have a theme, deadline, and want to pay contributors. I started researching how I would do that, what theme would I chose. I spent time asking ChatGPT what steps I should follow. On the way to class one day, I put the topics of all our writing conversations with the writers together and a theme emerged clearly for me I was excited about. (you can find that theme here! https://connectionsleadant.wixsite.com/wcl-anthology/fiction-sumbissions
Privately, I tried to process things that were happening - it was ongoing - with the other two friends. One has been caught in the middle, and I empathize with her. The other was not as close, and has been empathetic and sad about the change in behavior of our mutual friend. We have been processing these things privately together, losing one of our closest friendships. Meanwhile, publically, people have become exhausted by the public conflict.
It has been over a week since I started working on the anthology and feeling excited about it. It has been inspiring to me to feel the potential, to connect all the pieces of all of the creative ideas I've heard and want to bring those things together. In the meantime, however, I’ve heard whispers of fatigue surrounding ongoing negativity, which I have worked to distance myself from entirely. While I have experienced challenges in collaboration, I am focusing on what I can control moving forward. I told the friend who asked me to write my thoughts to move forward "if you're burned out, imagine how burned out I am."
I have expressed my desire to move forward with positivity and leave this chapter behind. I want no more lingering shadow or cloud attached to the new direction I want to go. I want to do something fun and exciting, not dwell on anything that happened in the past. This has been the very complex and painful journey of the past few weeks for me: processing the loss of a close friend, processing that friend behaving completely differently toward you, processing that your friend group will never be the same again. Focusing on building something fun, positive, and exciting that represents a fresh start and inspires creativity. Embracing the challenges of organizing an art contest for the cover and ensuring creators are compensated, while staying motivated by the exciting possibilities ahead. Processing all of that internally while navigating external feedback and reminders of past conflicts, I’ve remained focused on fostering a forward-looking vision. I’ve encountered challenges to my reputation, but I am committed to demonstrating professionalism through my actions and vision for the future. Let's just say it's been a lot.
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