What does "In Good Faith" mean? Or what do people think it means? I've been in three organizations recently where two organizers used "In Good Faith" with some double standards in the face of potential conflict. It has me asking what people think this phrase means and why they use it?
The first situation in an online forum was about my cover design looking for input on two different graphics. This group has previously not understood what the genre "Gothic Romance" means when I designed my first cover, so I even wote a blog for them. However the book is already published, and I'm very certain about the genre.
Sometimes I wonder if people get online to socialize, the forum is quiet, so they see a conversation and respond to the last thing, without reading above about the conversation. I admit I've done it. I've been there. Then the person who started the conversation snaps at you because you said something irrelevant. I've been offended or indignant and scrolled up and been like "oooooh that was the wrong thing to say."
So that's what happened. Some lady said she found other covers for that genre, so I responded trying to clarify the covers she saw. I thought why not respond to people who participate in the conversation I started? The problem was when another woman responded to her about me in the third person making a false statement about what genre the published book was about. I did not appreciate it. I even thought "ok this happened before so I wrote this blog to educate people." I shared it with her, and she then argued with me about what genre my published book was or was not. Then other people had started responding to the last thing and derailed. They tried to use this phrase "in good faith" with me. I was the one who stopped the conversation said it was not becoming productive. Then I went to the organizers - who know me well, which is the crazy part. "In good faith," I told them that I felt this conversation had become unproductive. Then the organizer who know I VERY WELL, was dismissive and made me the problem - when I was the one who did what I was supposed to do. Stop the converation and disengage. My other friend in the email defended the dismissive language when I said I was hoping for a more appropriate response here. They were claiming I was objecting to people with irrelevant opinions about my covers, so I had to go show them because they didn't read the conversation, that the situation was not about my covers, but about misrepresented a published product. I let the dust settle, I told the people involved please do not talk about my products about me in the third person in a way that directly contradicts my knowledge about them. Later there was a commen tthat the organizers were trying to create a policy "in good faith," and I asked what that meant (privately, not making a public debate out of it) They told me that the organizer had "felt dumped on" when I a) stopped a non productive conversation b) addressed organizers privately and c) brought it to their attention "in good faith"." To me that means as the organizer, I am coming to you in good faith that I've done what I was suppoed to do asking for you to help me, and that you dont feel attacked or kind of any emotional response to the situation since you are a moderator of this organization? Where was the good faith toward me that I had come to them privately? Where was me asking for help with my cover graphics "in good faith" that people would stick to the topic?
My friend asked me to contribute my thoughts and experience to the moderation policy, so I did as she asked. The worst moderation policy I've seen in online forums is that group think criticizing someone who feels ganged up ins that the person being ganged up on or upset is the one who's the problem. I said it's an isolating experience and moderators can help by validating that and stopping the group think that has decided that the last person was right. However, I said because of the misuse of this "in good faith" when they say that's how they are going to create a moderation policy, it didn't create trust for me. The second situation involved someone I knew better than almost anyone in the group, and had seen how he spins out and creates villains about other people. He does it about his ex, and you know that's always a red flag, and he did it about our mutual friend who is the sweetest person in the world. And we had a falling out. He has sent me rants about how I am also trying to discredit him before I blocked him. The only thing I want is to leave the drama behind me. He was an energy suck for a long time, and it has freed up my mental space to be more productive not to deal with him anymore. Except that I've been getting some hsotility of people believing whatever narrative he's been trying to control. Like it's something new for me. Have I written a blog post about how to see through gaslighting narratives and distance yourself? Similarly I went to the organizer in good faith to seek guidance how to handle the conflict. She claimed not to get involved, but she has just been upset there's a conflict in her organization. Instaead of discussing a code of conduct objectively and if there was anything her in violation, she made it about not "taking sides." Then there were the projections. I came to regret ever bringing it up because of her skewed perspective about me that I was always "upset" even when I moved on. She would set things up for failure, and use "in good faith" as something I had to prove to her. That's not really how that works. While she was almost intentionally trying to destabilize me or create self doubt in th undertaking of my new project "in good faith." She actually said I was not professional enough to handle real money for a kickstarter campaign. The level of bitterness she reached was palatable. People around me where there to support me while I moved forward working through the situation. Suddenly this became "declaring war" or something on someone, in completely hostile and shocking. Even when I said I wished .to move forward without any more toxic or unhealthy dynamic, she said she had none and then said I had conflict with her, which was totally baffling. She acted like writers talking to each other was unprofessional, and we all know how well anyone trying to have that kind of control works out. I do not really consider that kind of agenda "in good faith."
Specifically, I spoke to an industry professional who had written a story I was told was going to be censored. That writer had good professional advice to me about my new direction. There had been a misunderstanding about our short story project. She said industry practice is agreeing to part ways and leave each other alone. That would have been helpful. However, unfortunately, there was no "agreement." He haphazardly sent a message publically in the middle of the night. She said the project was very un I rofessional, and I had been disruptive, which she considered unprofessional. She encouraged me to distance myself and create my own project, which have am very excited about. I had to assure her that I had no ill intention, only that I had legitimate concerns, that I had found the project unprofessional and was happy to move in a more professional direction.
Did you know Chat GPT is a pretty good therapist. I know I'm a bit strange to some in conflict. I am less emotional, and more my brain is trying to understand what happned, and piece the logic together, and once I understand I am not upset. Chat GPT has been great for helping me understand behavior dynamics and logic when there doesn't seem to be. Somehow this conversation beteen two professionals became waging war? That is how skewed and how much projection I was experiencing. The irony is that I know I have tried to tell her about these behavior from him creating skewed perceptions "in good faith", but in her perception of me, I am being upset and attacking him. One of the more odd converstions I had was with that woman he has villified in the past who is very sweet. She told me I was "working against him," and this was before the conversation with the other professional writer or the organizer belittling me. It was out of the blue for me, I did not know what she was talking about. Later I found a mutual friend to ask if he had any insight, and he said the guy was backpeddaling a lot of the bad decisions he made and doubling down that he never said them, things like that. I guess rather than "good faith" the term "Okham's razor" came to mind. Whatever conversations people were having about me, I honestly did not want to know and did not care about, but was glad I was not anywhere near it and did not know what kinds of conspiracies involve me. The only way I know how to clarify anything is to ask what is the more likely scenario? That I am running around "waging war" against this man, or that there is a lot of misconstrued discussion about me? Her version of "good fath" was to tell me this guy creating all of this drama was what I had done, that somehow I'm responsible for his behavior.
I mentioned three organizers and two using "in good faith" in these incorrect contexts. The third actually said she did not get involved and followed through. When she saw that I was upset and told her there was a conflict, she did not belittle me. I braced myself when I told her there seemed to be this strange hostility and strange comments about me going around, and appreciated her support putting it behind me and moving forward in a positive direction. And she demonstrated "good faith" without using the phrase, and told me to keep going and let the drama fade out.
"If something is done in good faith, it is done sincerely and honestly: act in good faith"
Maybe this is a phrase that should be used less often and acted out more frequently. In any regard, I would conclude it should not be used to impose double standards on people in conflict, or force something to prove an impossible standard you want them to fail and are looking for an excuse to belittle them further.
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