Let me begin by saying I do not have an agent, so I have not found the right agent yet, but I wanted to share my perspectives to date on the process and the Agenting community. While my novel is not where I want it to be prior to querying yet, I have had several one-on-one meetings with agents who have expressed high interest in my query package, so I do have some "market research" to know what their responses are to my novel prior to walking into the process. In addition, Nina Allan, who I feel may be my spirit animal, has shared in depth her journey to publication and waiting for the "right" agent to encourage me to do the same.
In addition, this does carry on from my ongoing experience with the professional service providers who are part of the writing community. I have surrounded myself and found support as in my writing coach/ editor, who believes in empowering writers to understand their agency in the process, and has been a resource to discuss situations I see transpiring. She has not been the only one to mention a lot of toxicity that especially emerges on Twitter, but apparently exists within certain genre communities even off of Twitter. Another editor also praised me for being more mature with my writing to understand that my goal is not just "to get an agent," but to make sure that I find an agent that will support my writing rather than fight with me to steer it in an overly commercial genre.
Sidebar: Speaking of Genre writing, we had a session with long time member of the writing community who says that genre writers who are expected to replicate the same story over and over again are miserable because they have no creative agency anymore. My writing will never replicate itself, so that is certainly not the career funnel that would fit my writing, anyway.
The most elusive thing a writer needs first is confidence in their voice, what they have to say, and the vision for the standard and level the final product needs to reach. For me it is a double edged sword to be both an overachiever a perfectionist. I am very demanding on myself, and struggle with exuding this demanding atmosphere on those who are supporting me. For me, personally, writing can be a frustrating process to ask the questions to get the story moving toward that final product, particularly if you do not see people around you understanding the path toward that final product.
The purpose of this is not "to impress the publishing industry." If your writing is good enough, it will. I see a lot of writers who live in a bubble and say "I wrote this novel that had all of the things I like," and then give a list of everything including the kitchen sink, and then they ask "I just don't understand why I didn't get published." I happen to watch a lot of Project Runway, and you can visibly see the designers who have a very clear, clean vision for what their creation is supposed to look like and those who are confused or try to include too many elements. Your writing should be the same concepts of self-editing your vision and tailoring a final product that any visual medium does, except the medium here is words. If you do that, and create stunning products from your words, impressing people becomes the last priority.
That carries over to finding an agent, because then just like any visual artist, you are finding people who do not fight you about what your writing is doing. On this note, I also want to go back to the kinds of meltdowns I experienced with freelance editors, and touch on maturity and professionalism. Except for the self-imposed frustrations I experience in my creative process, I prefer to be fairly laid back, and when I meet people who are insecure or desperate for work, the energy tends not to be a good fit, and I see this in the actions of agents as well as the freelance editing experience. How this can manifest is instead of discussing mutual expectations, or being flexible or open minded with hearing what your needs are - keep in mind they should be reasonable and respectful of the professional you are addressing - is to start projecting all kinds of issues which are not your problem.
Their time management is not the responsibility of the client or writer. As a writer, I come to a professional expecting them to have boundaries in place to juggle their time management, and be able to be flexible with my communication style. I know I have a flow that can result in sending several messages in a row of a few lines. However, I am happy to work with any kind of platform that allows a professional to check in and read them all at once. An example of unprofessionalism and lack of communication of expectations which I encounter is being told that I send too many emails, or my favourite, sending me a bill for reading my emails. That is always going to be a hard pass for me. I am not wired to work with someone so rigid and inflexible.
You can also look at the agency leadership, because, when it comes to literary agents, they all have mentors and bosses to help them manage their time and client relationships. I have found a sign if immaturity for agents, particularly younger ones, to think their professional behavior does not reflect on the agency as a whole. In fact, if they have a problem with a writer, their agency should be providing professional guidance and development. If the agency is not providing their developing agents with the professional skills to manage client relationships professionally, maturely, and improving their own communication skills throughout bumps in the relationship or path to publication, that should also be a sign to writers about expectations that relationships management at that agency might have problems.
Sadly, it takes a lot of experience to learn some of these things the hard way, and it's unfortunate that you could be young or inexperienced and wind up with an editor that is not the right fit for you, or an agent. In the case of editors, you wind up investing a lot of money into a project that can feel like sunk cost - this is why I never jump into starting with a full manuscript read with an editor, and always insist on smaller projects to gain trust and build a relationship first. With agents, it means you could wind up being locked into a contract, having to fire that agent and seek a new one. However, this could happen as well if the agent is not doing what they need to do to sell your book. There are uncertainties you cannot predict how relationships will track or when they might become toxic. If they do show signs of being toxic like the service provider not communicating in ways you need, and cannot be redeemed because they then have a meltdown or lash out with some of the issues they project onto the writer, I think it is completely acceptable to cut your losses. I am a busy person, and sometimes if one relationship becomes out of balance for me and demands so much energy to fix, I prefer to find someone who appears to be more patient and professional.
For me, anytime I have confrontation, I never use any personal attacks. I never call the person names, so for me it is a big deal breaker in any relationship if that is the other person's conflict mode to attack me, my writing, or make anything about miscommunication or different expectations personal. Another one that I see, that is included in attacking writers on the basis of this kid of conflict, is some kind of statement that the publishing industry does not need writers because there are so many. This is like if you are dating someone and their excuse for why they are attacking you personally is because there are other men/ women they could be dating, it would be unhealthy to continue. If they want to be dating someone else, if they make it clear they do not want you as a client because there are other writers they do want as clients instead, it is bad form, and no writer needs to be in a situation like that.
To give some personal perspective about why it is concern for me to find the right agent, and I have had dozens of private conversations with editors who have relationships with many of these agents, including some who have loved my novel pitch, is because of the responses I have seen to my novel. I can share with you the contrasting reactions, and the contrast with the vision I've mentioned.
I have had three one on ones with agents. The first one was at a big agency, and I was very impressed with the agent and would love to be represented by someone with his credentials. He responded in some very positive and constructive ways to my novel, and I know he knows the industry and genre well. However, the themes that are consistent throughout my writing are authentic women who are both weak and strong, and strong in being able to be weak, and he made a comment about heroine archetypes that did not resonate with this. If I submit my completed revision to him, this is a conversation we can have, and this is why you want to come to the table with mature professionals so you can move past the "personal" issues and focus on the issues related to your writing.
The second person was also a man, and was not focused on the genre. He made some suggestions that did not seem to resonate at all with my research of the genre, but he did know from his organization that my book was "bang on trend." While this is reassuring that my book will sell, it raises concerns that because people want to see trends in the genre that I can deliver, like they want to see more DC Universe formulaic films made, that there will be heavily weighted attempts to turn it into those things instead of maintaining the kind of focus consistent in all of my writing. It has also meant a lot of OTHER private conversations and questions about how well equipped men in the industry are to accept and understand stories of women which do not fit into the arcs and archetypes they want and expect but do not fit the stories and characters.
The third agent was a woman, and her feedback on my synopsis and pages was completely wrong. I know this because I have had these critiqued half a dozen times, and already had the two previous responses, and know what to expect from the feedback that has been quite consistent. While she encouraged me to stay in touch with further questions, which was generous of her, this is a situation where I knew we would not even be having the same conversation.
If you want to find the right fit, having the background and context of knowing what responses your writing receives is an invaluable tool. I recommend knowing the important parts of your writing that are going to be important for an agent to know, and then finding a professional and mature individual who do not make anything personal. If you meet professionals who make anything personal, good or bad, it might be a sign that it is a bad fit.
Hope this is helpful, and hopefully I will not encounter too many of these difficulties in the query trenches, but you never know.