This is a followup from the previous post on how to avoid love triangles given my real life scenario. This week I was faced with ridiculous behavior from the guy friend about the situation. My statement to him is that it's not my job to educate him since he is self-proclaimed not experienced socially or with dating. That fact about him was the ONLY reason I was explaining to him how in appropriate some of the statements he was making to me were.
As I mentioned in part one, the guy friend who was at these events where I ran into Mr. Antagonist is someone I've known since last fall, and see in groups outside of any situation where Mr. Antagonist is present. I was not really aware they knew each other well. In fact when my guy friend talked about having a social circle from these Thursday night gatherings, I listened to see if he mentioned Mr. Antagonist's name, and he didn't. In face he has not once mentioned Mr. Antagonist's name until AFTER I specifically told the guy friend I wanted nothing to do with Mr. Antagonist.
Here is how my communication with the guy friend has gone on the subject: The last time I saw Mr. Antagonist was April. I successfully did not think about him or have him as any part of my life for three months, intentionally. However, the guy friend told me I should come Thursday and join them for more social events. For this reason, I just explained simply to the guy friend that there was a guy who made me things awkward in that Thursday group, though I was happy to hang out with other people outside of that event. I didn't feel it was necessary to share anything more than a simple polite explanation why I wouldn't join him after being invited.
It was AFTER the party when I was doing as I said, hanging out with that group outside of Thursday nights, when Mr. Antagonist appeared, that I specified to the guy friend specifically that this was the guy that I mentioned. The guy friend offered unsolicited opinions about Mr. Antagonist being "charming" which I have written about in part one. I told him absolutely that was not the case, that my conclusion about Mr. Antagonist is that he was a nerdy guy who did not know how to talk to women, was not self aware, and again, the simple conclusion that I was fine having nothing to do with him and would prefer to continue that way. It was AFTER that communication to the guy friend that the guy friend started working HARDER to draw attention to Mr. Antagonist. WTF?
Such was the scenario this week. I saw the guy friend for the first time after the party, and he had covid the week following the party. I mentioned everything EXCEPT Mr. Antagonist. I asked if he was feeling better. I asked if they had put the stripper pole and sublet apartment back together. I asked about him not being able to have all of these escapades with the American friend. I did not ask him ANYTHING about or mention the name of Mr. Antagonist. But he decided he needed to tell me Mr. Antagonist was having a party - to discuss his travels which I would find interested to discuss with him - to which I was not invited. I tried to keep my cool.
However, when I got home I thought it was something I needed to do to stand up for myself and tell him how his comments make me feel. I told him that it doesn't make me feel good - after the communication I had already shared with him.
Then he proceeded to demonstrate exactly the level of immaturity I recognised at this group at the party and why they all seemed very dangerous and a grenade ready to go off to create drama. He kept arguing with me, telling me to talk to Mr. Antagonist to hear his side of the story. Da fuq? He tried to make me feel guilty that it was such a shame that I wanted nothing to do with the dude. Da fuq? So I told him how inappropriate the things he was saying to me here, how they actually came across. He then tried to shame me for making any kind of deal about the party. He kept talking about OTHER PEOPLE who knew Mr. Antognist better or longer. Seriously, why the fuck do I want to hear about people who know the dude a long time and well when he has shut me down TWICE when I have made attempts to get to know him better, and he has demonstrated ZERO interest in getting to know me better?!?!?!?! How does any of that information fall into any category other than the I DNGAF category?
The only response I had to any of this was to add guy friend to the block list that Mr. Antagonist was already on. But then I did what I was feeling after the party. I sent Mr. Antagonist a message to lose my number.
The reason I dislike the love triangle tropes in literature is that it plays into all of this lack of agency on the characters involved. The same way I, yes, judge this guy friend. He actually told me that I should stop texting HIM about Mr. Antagonist. Excuse me? I have NEVER brought him up apart from explanation of why I do not participate in this group, and to specify who he is. The guy friend who is apparently just tripping balls on the drug of having friends, was never asked to get involved, never asked to express any opinion about whether my impression of Mr. Antagonist was correct or not. Demonstrating exactly why my impression of the immaturity of the group was absolutely correct. My guess is that the immature Lithuanian girl that night might have been doing all of those things. Maybe the guy friend WAS being asked for his opinion about this immature Mr. Antagonists behavior by an immature clueless woman who thrives off of drama and complicated situations and wants to waste her time chasing after a clueless guy who has no idea what he wants. Again, if that's a situation outside of my control, it would go into the IDNGAF category, because what she decides to do with her time and energy is not intersting to me. I neither care nor take any responsibility for it.
Another prospective situation which was suggested by something the guy friend said also falls into this IDNGAF category. Because not only have I not asked for his opinion once, I also have asked him zero times to get involved. My only expectation was for him to respect MY DECISION that I wanted nothing to do with Mr. Antagonist. However, I have already lived the extreme hell version of how dangerously immature men like this play out once in my life. Here's the prediction I could give of how it went when the guy friend decided inappropriately to get involved on any level. The reason I think it likely is because he said to me "he doesn't know 'who is right?'" indicating that he has heard any side from Mr. Antagonist?
Based on my extensive experience with the insecurity and self-protection defaults of how men talk about women, my prediction is that the script probably did not vary at all from this norm. My observations as stated to the guy friend was that Mr. Antagonist was a nerdy (horny) guy with no idea how to talk to women so something sex related was a default - I would have almost guessed the guy might have been a virgin based on this first conversation - was clueless, completely un self-aware, sent mixed messages, and shut me down twice when I made any move to initiate any opportunity to connect further. And my conclusion was that he was not worth my time or energy. In 2009, the movie "He's Just not Into You" was released to explain all of this to the world, In 2022, I cannot believe we would be having any conversation where a woman who wants nothing to do with any kind of confusing behaviour is in any way to blame for her decision, or needs to be coerced or guilted into asking the guy about it. As if any guy who was already observed to fall into this category would have anything honest to say in response to any question about it? From me, or from a guy friend who he might especially want to impress as a "nice guy" who was "friendly to all women." How close to the bullseye do you think my predictions would hit? The bottom line is that I do not need to know. None of that information changes any of my impressions or boundaries that I want nothing to do with him. End. Of.
As the movie stated, if a guy wants to call, he will do whatever it takes to call. If a guy wants to go out with a girl, he will make excuses and move heaven and earth to get to her. Anything short of that does not need to be justified or have excuses made for it. In part one, I ended with emotional complications of why my own feelings were activated to feel any kind of way about a guy who was behaving this way. I guess just because a guy isn't worth my time doesn't exclude him being interesting or thinking that I might like to get to know him better. It is purely recognition that that investment will reap far more drama and pain than rewards. I also realised perhaps part of my being upset also had something to do with this guy NOT behaving appropriately toward me, and that hurting, despite whether there was any real feelings or interest on my side.
