Not sure how to begin this post comparing other areas of life with my writing life. In writing, I have been struggling to find support, surrounded by a lot of naysayers who call you a bitch behind your back and act aggressively to you in person, or maybe arrogant. If you select and feel that people aren't on the same page. I never want to be mean about it, but I don't react well to unwarranted aggression.
In my personal life, I've had similar struggles. Last week I had some difficult things to process about the mental health challenges underlying some issues that haven't been good for me. I have been single for a long time. I've had this ongoing complicated dynamic with a certain person for a long time, and am connected with his family as well. It never moves forward and frequently reaches stalemate. I have not waited around for him, and have a lot of experience dating. In contrast to last week, I found myself in a different space this week. That is the payoff I guess I am mentioning which might have similarities to my struggles in writing at the moment. It wasn't easy to tweet that comparison, so I am sitting down to write a blog post about it.
This weekend one of the editors I contacted about omniscient pov sent me the perfect proposal with clear comprehension. I spent the week emailing another author whose responses were pretty much the opposite. That one editor's response with clear comprehension and being on the same page about what I wanted was like the clouds parting and the sun shining through. It was the best feeling to have one person see me. That's all you need, really. You don't need all of the other naysayers or haters who just meet you with aggression or combative responses to understand.
With my writing, I struggle to find the break. I have a story out this fall which has been in several competitions, which I think does incredible things, but I struggle understanding how to find the person it connects with to give me the break to reach a wide audience with it. I paid an editor to polish it so it would be competition worthy. One private group competition the response was "wow this is such a strong story," but it is a very simple concept. It hasn't landed somewhere a simple concept done well and beautifully shines in contrast to other more flashy ideas, I guess. I definitely think it's a step above stories I do see published.
In my personal life, I've struggled with this dynamic and this difficult relationship. He has behaved all kinds of badly at times, lashing out at me for reasons whether it's his depression or his insecurities. In ways I do not find acceptable. I have a good relationship with his father, which helps keep me sane, who encourages me to invest and to provide feedback to help him learn and improve. However, the conversations with my therapists involve lack of understanding that he does not demonstrate real motivation to do the work. On my end, I admit that I have contributed to the unhealthy dynamic in the past, and I have done the work myself to stop my contributions. I have done the work because I was motivated to have the best possible chance of success, and he has not reciprocated and continues in his comfortable zone of unhealthy behaviours rather than change.
This week, another option emerged in our same circles. It is actually someone who I do not know as well as he does, but is someone very desirable and well known. My concern first was that I hate love triangles and do not want to create drama in this dynamic. My second concern was to make it clear it was never my agenda to use the Guy to develop a connection with this other person. It has definitely stirred up the insecurities and bad behaviour with the Guy, and it has been a lot to process.
But I wanted to take a moment to sit with this situation and consider it. I have been stuck in a discouraging situation that appeared to have no movement forward, and no options. My therapist has suggested I consider other options. In fact, throughout the duration of this situation, I have had so many opinions telling me what conclusions they want me to draw. My parents didn't want me to talk about it or have any outlet to process it. My father wants to me to stop and leave the situation if I don't get the results I want. My therapist has tried to create all kinds of timelines which irritate me to no end. It has been hard to find anyone just to hear me and my goals to go as far as I can with the situation, for my own benefit. I told my therapist that the only way forward for me is through this situation.
If I didn't make that commitment, I wouldn't be facing this dilemma with the new option. If I listened to all of the naysayers and haters, or all of the people I dated who tried to tear me down, or any of the people telling me what to do with this complex situation, I wouldn't be here. If I had agreed with them, I wouldn't feel like I was winning at life right now.
I still hate love triangles. Most of the time it brings out such atrocious behaviour between two people, my answer is neither of you. Whenever I find a person who tries to put me in a love triangle where I am one of the corners and not the top, I get out. As far as writers writing love triangles, I don't see enough of this. Maybe the love triangles they have experienced are much more cute. The love triangles I have experienced have only been toxic.
So my conclusion is: don't write cute love triangles! And that I hope the payoff for not listening to all of the naysayers about my writing has a similar payoff. And even though I feel like I am winning at life right now with my dilemma, it's just a moment of reflection for a situation which is still pretty wrought with challenges.
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